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Ryan Murphy, How Dare You Make ‘The Politician’ Look So Good?

Did you hear that? The faint sizzle accompanied by a slight burning smell? That was my last two brain cells springing back to life after watching the gleefully (see what I did there?) over-the-top trailer for Ryan Murphy’s first Netflix series, The Politician.

From what I can put together from the random assortment of images specifically calibrated in a lab to elicit the response “sksksksksksOMG”, The Politician is about Evan Hansen trying to be Tracy Flick at Rushmore. Also, it co-stars Jessica Lange as Ellen Barkin from Drop Dead Gorgeous and Gwyneth Paltrow first as her character from The Talented Mr. Ripley then as her character from Glee and then as The Young Pope. If you understood any of that, this show is for you.

No, I will not be taking any questions at this time.

However, I do have some questions for Mr. Ryan Murphy, the prolific producer whose output consistently reveals that he has been breaking into my house and reading my dream journal. (Yes, most of the pages in my dream journal read “Sarah Paulson in a WIG!”)

Question #1: Actually how dare you, Ryan Murphy?

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Netflix

Follow up question, what did I do to deserve you? You know you’re watching classic television when, every 15 seconds, you scream at the screen “IS THIS CAMP?!” Oscar winner Jessica Lange in gold lamé and a wig teased for the gods?! Put the canoe in the lake and ring the dinner time bell cuz this is camp!

I don’t really even understand who her character is or what is happening or why but when I tell you I would die for this show? I would. I would lay down my life for Oscar winner Jessica Lange’s enormous wig and slightly bemused presence.

I feel like half of Ryan Murphy’s projects are excuses to let Jessica Lange try out weird new ideas. She calls him up and is like “What if I was in space? What do you think about that? What if I was in a zoo? Like actually me Jessica Lange but in a zoo? Is that doing anything for you? Here’s a pitch: mall Santa Claus. Let me know when I should show up for my costume fitting.”

Coming next season to Netflix: Jessica Lange plays all the roles in Tootsie except the one she originally played. That’s played by Sarah Paulson.


How do I get my friends to let me vet their InstaStories about me before posting?

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Netflix

Early in the trailer, Ben Platt in the titular role bursts through a doorway barraging his running mate with questions about a video. This is very much me jumping into my friends’ DMs when I know they have footage of me and I would very much like to preview that footage and perhaps edit it before it goes live on the ‘gram.


Will I use this screenshot for literally every interaction I have from now on?

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Netflix

Yes. The answer is yes.

This is me when Alexa can’t find the album I want to listen to. This is also me when Netflix asks me if I’m still watching after bingeing Schitt’s Creek for seven hours. This is also me to me when I am, unfortunately, back on my bullshit.


Is this my annual performance review?

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Netflix

Again, yes. The answer is yes.


Seriously, some of these lines are just written so that I will screenshot them and send them to all of my group chats?

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Netflix

Young Chloe Sevigny over here is serving up bon mots in that pink tennis sweater and I have no choice but to stan. No, I mean it: I am legally required to stan. Ryan Murphy is standing next to me menacingly, growling “Tweet it! TWEET IT!” Please help.


Should we just give Jessica Lange the Emmy now?

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Netflix

We need an Emmy winner who says “munch butt!”

You know that thing online where people will say (blank) is not a personality (having a beard, being mean, liking The Office, etc.)? Well this is the opposite of that. “Munching butt and celebrating Halloween” is a personality. If it is your personality, congratulations. This is your moment.


Is this Martina Navratilova?!

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Netflix

Is this Martina Navratilova dressed as Napoleon? Is this Martina Navratilova dressed as Napoleon winking at Gwyneth Paltrow?? Just curious.


Wait, actually what?

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Netflix

Let me be clear: I love this new Hollywood trend of doing shows about rich people who throw elaborate costume parties that have little to do with the actual plot but are a lot of fun for my eyes. That said, I literally do no know how we got from Gwyneth Paltrow, normal teacher in a sea of supporting cast members from Heathers, to Gwyneth Paltrow in a deleted scene The Young Pope. I honestly don’t understand the question but I will respond to it. Where is she? What’s happening? Does the show take place in multiple universes? Is this a dream? Did Ryan Murphy watch Kirsten Dunst in Marie Antoinette one night and then burst into the writer’s room the next day with a big idea? Please. Help. My brain cells are dying and also getting their entire lives.

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