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Michelle Obama Reveals Dates for Intimate Conversations Tour

Michelle Obama, former first lady, and everyone’s favorite person, announced the dates and stops for her upcoming book tour and honey, your kween is hitting stadiums. STADIUMS. Like some kind Beyoncé of Books.

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Y’all better get ready to run into Michelle stan George W. Bush in the mosh pit. Michelle Obama is playing two dates at the Barclay Center. Two. On the Run tour done ran.

I am obsessed with Michelle Obama, objectively the best American, going on a tour of the nation’s largest arenas to promote her upcoming book, Becoming, like the absolute rock star that she is. Can this happen all the time? Can we get Celeste Ng some lasers? I want to see Alexander Chee rappelling down on silks like a Pink concert. Every Samantha Irby reading should begin with her popping out of a trap door in the middle of the stage. We can make this happen!

I think it’s time to acknowledge that books are so in right now.

This was just yesterday:

Today:

“Hi, I’m Michelle Obama and I’m about to make you do the wave for the written word.”

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Here’s actual footage of me getting my entire life to Michelle Obama calmly and engagingly reading a page from her book while standing at a lectern.

Wild times.

Question: Will they be selling souvenir t-shirts, concert books, hats, onesies, and shot glasses with Michelle Obama’s face on them? Should we pre-game in the parking lot? How many wind machines will she be using?

I would not be surprised if a Prince hologram showed up at this event. Not even as part of the performance; just a hologram of Prince in the audience, trying to catch some of Mrs. Obama’s wisdom.

You have to respect the audacity of calling this tour “An Intimate Conversation with Michelle Obama.” Chicago’s United Center holds 23,500 people! I mean, I guess it’s more intimate than Michelle Obama flying over Kansas shouting truisms through a megaphone, but really.

That said, I’m not sure what else Mrs. Obama is supposed to do. The people want to see her. Personally, I’m cancelling all of my fall plans so that I can follow her around like a groupie. I’ll be like one of those people who dedicated their lives to traveling with the Grateful Dead. Call me the Grateful Getting My Entire Life. See you soon, Michelle! I can’t wait to scream until I’m hoarse while you read words at a normal volume in a venue that normally holds hockey games and Taylor Swift concerts. THIS IS LIVING.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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