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Let Us Honor Our Greatest President: Thomas J. Whitmore

We need to have a national conversation about the egregious level of disrespect we’ve given to the legacy of our greatest president, Thomas J. Whitmore. A Gulf War veteran who was elected in 1992, Whitmore (also known as Bill Pullman) led the world to victory over an invading race of space aliens in 1996. And yet I’ll bet you haven’t thought about him once today. Shame. Shame!

Where would be as a country, nay, as a world if it weren’t for the greatest speech that has ever been given outside of any award show attended by Viola Davis?

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If you’re not standing and screaming by the end of that speech, I question your patriotism. Why do you hate freedom? See you in court!

Bill Pullman is our most inspiring white president. He is deeply human, which is helpful when fighting aliens and also in general. The documentary Independence Day begins with talking heads on the news complaining about his less than 40% approval rating, which seems astoundingly low for someone who fought in the Gulf War and doesn’t tweet out hate speech on the daily basis, but the ’90s were a simpler time, I guess. Despite what the film describes, frankly, as well-intentioned incompetence, he is surrounded by intelligent, powerful women including his Communications Director, Constance Spano, his wife, Laura Roslyn, and his daughter, Egg from Arrested Development.

It’s actually kind of amazing that a veteran fighter pilot in peace time is so reviled by the country. Then again, it’s actually kind of amazing that a bully who yells at the television all day is not more reviled by the country. So, whatever, bring on the alien invasion, I guess.

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As you may recall, prior to becoming president, Bill Pullman was Meg Ryan’s lackluster boyfriend in Sleepless in Seattle. In yet another instance of the ’90s being peculiar, his primary character fault was that he was allergic to a lot of things. They were engaged to be married and Meg Ryan bounced because he couldn’t be around dogs. It’s not like she was starring in the movie Must Love Dogs, in which the conflict of an allergy is built into the title. She’s just over his whole deal. Nowadays, food and environment sensitivities are pluses for most people. Half your friends probably met on Gluten-Free Mingle.

Sleepless in Seattle is an incredible documentary about an insane woman who hears a sad man’s voice on the radio and then stalks him until he and his son agree to go on a date with her. It is worth noting that she is also a journalist who has plenty of personal time off at her disposal.

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