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Exclusive: An Interview with the Only American Eligible for Trumpcare

On Thursday, the House narrowly passed a measure intended to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act. In an unusual move, it was rushed through without a score from the Congressional Budget Office and locked in a vault that could only be opened by a virgin’s kiss. Nevertheless, lawmakers gathered in the Rose Garden of the White House to celebrate in a grouping that can best be described as “A casting call for the bad guy in a workplace harassment video.”

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“We want to brag about the plan,” the president said, eloquently stating the obvious. He continued, “Hey, I’m president!” as if he, too, could not believe it.

The controversial measure, titled the American Health Care Act, would raise premiums or allow insurance companies to deny coverage to a massive swath of the American public. An amendment to the act includes a laundry list of pre-existing conditions that would no longer be protected, among them pregnancy and sexual assault. The list is so long, that it seems the American Health Care Act only covers one American.

We managed to reach him on his private plane. What follows is an excerpt of our conversation with the man. To protect his privacy, let’s just call him Chip.

Thanks so much for speaking with us today. Congratulations on being the one American covered under Trumpcare.

What can I say? It’s a thrill. And an honor.

So, the plan is pretty comprehensive in terms of what it won’t cover. How did you manage to squeeze through?

Well, you know, people talk about pre-existing conditions. They’re looking at it the wrong way. I’ve got pre-existing conditions. I just have the right ones.

What are the right ones?

If you have to ask, you don’t know. I’m winking but you can’t tell because we’re on the phone.

Can I safely assume that the right pre-existing conditions for this plan are, maybe, cisgender maleness and a certain level of cultural privilege?

I don’t know what those words mean. But you’re thinking too small. The right pre-existing condition is pre-existence.

I’m sorry?

You’re forgiven. Anyway, it’s easier to get healthcare if you just don’t exist.

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And yet here you are.

Thank you. I’ve just earned it.

How have you earned it?

Well, I want it. And I’ve never had an illness that I would admit to on paper. Any medical treatments I need, I pay for out-of-pocket with a private doctor who signs a nondisclosure agreement.

That sounds like a lot of work to go through just to get healthcare.

Thank you. I really pull myself up by my bootstraps, you know. I’m kind of a role model.

It also seems a little beyond the grasp, financially, of what most Americans are able to manage. Can you tell us what you do for a living?

What I do for a living or what I do for money?

I guess, both?

For a living I’m an investor and an influencer.

What do you invest in?

Influential investment opportunities. I was one of the Angel Investors for the Fyre Festival. We revolutionized the game.

I see. And what do you do for money, then?

My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.

And you live off of that?

No. I lost that. I have to make do with my income from my day job as a congressman.

Wait, you’re in congress?

During the day, yeah. It’s great. We have a good time. I try not to let it invade my life, though. We call it Chaffetz-ing. He gives these great pep talks about leaving the office at the office, unless the office has anything to do with Hillary Clinton in which case you should doggedly pursue it every hour of every day despite a total and complete lack of cause. It’s inspiring. Anyway, we’re all basically on vacation now. My schedule really cleared up after the election, which is good because I was starting to experience stress and that is not allowed under Trumpcare.

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