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Mueller’s Russia Investigation Has Reached the One Year Mark, Trump Tweeted to Celebrate

Do you know what today is?! That’s right, it’s Monica and Chandler’s 17th wedding anniversary! Can you believe? Just kidding: they are fictional characters and time is a construct. I’m talking about the first anniversary of the Witch Hunt™, the Robert Mueller investigation that will outlast all of us. Had a baby today? Congratulations! That baby will be a wizened, wrinkled, reverse-Benjamin Button senior citizen living inside of a dormant volcano on Jupiter before the investigation reaches its conclusion and we finally find the Witch!

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To commemorate the future national holiday, President Broomhilda tweeted out his encouragement to Robert Mueller and the Forces of Good.

“Congratulations America,” the President of the United States wrote with the peevish, barely contained fury of a first act Glinda arriving at new student orientation. “We are now in the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History,” he continued, once again erasing the all the hard work of Salem resident Abigail Williams.

Later in the morning, he tweeted another congratulatory message to the House for passing a sweeping veterans policy. No word if this was also sarcastic. On one hand, the VA Mission Act is a bipartisan bill that provides greater access to private care for veterans. On the other hand, the president doesn’t seem to care about anyone’s well being. So… it’s a mystery. That witchy language; so hard to understand.

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In his first congratulatory tweet, President Bellatrix LeStrange seems to be using the colloquial version of the term Witch Hunt, meaning the persecution of people with unpopular views. In answer to your question, no he does not see any correlation between this term and his suggestion that journalists who report things he doesn’t like should be punished. Why do you ask? He’s talking about Witches who, with their Spellcaster Michael Cohen and a cabal of trolls of varying levels of competence, just want to do Witch stuff in peace. They should be protected. While the president’s wildlife protection board wants to make it legal to hunt, basically, everything from the dodo up, he’s looking into a special loophole to protect magical crime sorcerers and the like. Like the confirmation of Gina Haspel, the Witch Protection Act is expected to pass with far fewer objections from Democrats than one should reasonably expect.

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It is, one must admit, a bit surprising that Donald “Jadis of Charn” Trump is leaning so hard on the colloquial meaning of the term Witch Hunt for two reasons. One, do you think he knows the word colloquial? And two, it calls to mind the far more straightforward meaning. It’s like in the Nintendo Game Duck Hunt. The hunt doesn’t stop just because a mallard turns to the screen and says “this is a Duck Hunt!” You’re aware it’s a duck hunt. The ducks are aware. This is a Duck Hunt and therefore ducks are being hunted.

The President of the United States (left) with Sean Hannity.

YouTube

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President Magica DeSpell should appreciate the dogged determination of Robert Mueller. Isn’t that one of the core values of all witches? After all, it wasn’t a non-witch who went through the trouble of sky-writing a message to Dorothy and screaming “I’ll get you, my pretty,” when an email would’ve been much easier. Witches don’t quit(ches). And neither does Witch Hunter™ Robert Mueller, who will outlive all of us, thanks to a kiss from Harry Potter’s mom or something. I’m not sure; I don’t really follow politics.

In any case, enjoy your holiday and here’s to many, many more! Take your Witch Hunty somewhere special to celebrate. Raise a glass of potion to the reason for the season, President Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock From Practical Magic.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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