Home / Fashion & Style / An Open Letter to Chris Pine and Chris Pine’s Fine Fanny Pack

An Open Letter to Chris Pine and Chris Pine’s Fine Fanny Pack

Dear Chris Pine, Chris Pine’s Wonder Woman 1984 fanny pack, and the fanny that fanny pack is packin’:

First of all, how dare you. You secretly scrumptious tub of Talenti in human form. You buttery almond croissant with legs. You juicy biscuit. HOW. DARE. Just look at what I have to deal with today:

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This image is too much, too pure, too blessed. I cannot deal with this.

Apparently, your character, patriotic scone Steve Trevor, not only survived the events of Wonder Woman but somehow finds himself transported from World War I to the 1980s and I have never wanted to be Kelly Kapowski more than I do right now.

Yesterday, director Patty Jenkins tweeted a photo of your character in a mall so ’80s it has its own Freddie Mercury impersonator. And now we have shots of you hanging out, maxing, relaxing, all cool and all with Princess Diana of Themyscira whilst wearing a track suit and I’m fanny panicking!

How dare you! I have never, in my life, thirsted after a fanny pack as much as I am thirsting after this fanny pack right now.

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This lewk has me rethinking everything I know to be true, good, decent, acceptable, on-trend, and snackable. I am going to have to sit with this for a long time.

But, honestly, I should have expected this from you. I don’t understand how you’re so normal-looking and yet so hot, Chris Pine! You look like a Geometry teacher but also like an avatar I created using an app called Impossible Zaddies. You look like the guy in front of me in line at the coffee shop who always says something charming to every barista and lingers for just a moment over the last muffin before chuckling to himself and picking up a newspaper. You look like the kind of guy who reads a newspaper. You’re fictional! And yet!

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The thing about you, Chris Pine—objectively the best Chris (my deep apologies to bespectacled boo-thang Chris Hayes, who is in second place)—is that you look equally delectable flying a space ship through the galaxy with a bunch of red shirts, being trapped in a tesseract, or, now, striding through the 80s in a jumpsuit and a fanny pack. The range! The absolutely range! You even looked good wearing tights and a waistcoat in Into the Woods. I saw you flossin’ in a fairy tale and I said to myself, “I’d like to bippity-boppity-boop his” ::signal drops out::

Look at this photo again! Gaze upon its wonder with your eyes and also with your heart!

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Have you ever seen such a thing of beauty?! Chris Pine in a track suit and a fanny pack next to Wonder Woman Diana Prince is serving the Rene Russo in Lethal Weapon cosplay I didn’t know I so desperately needed. Congratulations to every young person for whom this photo will be a “Ring of Keys” moment.

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A fanny pack! Fashion week is shewk!

Hera bless the costume designer on this film, who is apparently what would happen if you set Phantom Thread at an Awesome ’80s Prom. All the sensible tote bags that I got from contributing to public radio stations are going into storage. This season, I’m carrying all of my belongings in a fanny pack, just like Chris Pine carries my heart in his.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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